Stuck in a Lift, Cheese Factory Horror Stories and the Great Crisp Flavour Debate

00:00Welcome to these two shouldn't have a podcast.

00:02Coming up today, I tell Carl I've never had a prawn cocktail. Which I found really surprising considering he said that prawn cocktail crisps were the least like the real food. Coming up in this episode, would you panic?

00:15I'd just breathe, no. I've been stuck in lifts before. And you didn't panic? No. The nurse said that I was stuck in the lift with. Oh that's probably because you were the talker. No, uh because the patients had a cardiac at this. But anyway, that's another story. So yeah. Fuck. The reason being is I've never had prawn cocktail, so I don't like it.

00:39Well then you can't judge.

00:41But that's the point. But you're assuming that I've assuming that you're assuming I've had them.

00:48Right. Hang on, hang on, hang on. So what you should have done is you should have turned around and said, Well, I can't judge whether prone cocktail crisps do or not, because I've never had fucking prone cocktail.

00:56Yeah, that's a valid point. I've had prone cocktail crisps because I like skips and that.

01:39Viewers that are listening.

01:40Hang on a minute. Hang on. The listeners that the viewers that are listening. Because when they view, they listen and watch. What about the what about the listeners? Do they not view? No. Anyway, right, I've got.

02:01Oh no. Controversy or controversy?

02:03Well, I if if if I think it's what I think it's gonna be, I'm gonna say controversy.

02:09Not controversy.

02:10Not controversy. Not that I know what the difference is.

02:14But they're both the same word, it's just pronounced different. I think some people say. It's like advertisement, advertisement. It's one in Americanism and one's in UKism. Like aluminum and aluminium. Aluminum and aluminum? Yeah, um I I can't even say aluminium. Aluminum, that's definitely American American. Yeah. What about four set and four steps?

02:39That was a previous episode.

02:40But hey yo, go on. You're trapped in a lift.

02:44Right? Right. I have been trapped in a lift a few times, but go on.

02:50You're gonna be trapped in the lift with a person. Oh you've got a choice of being trapped in a lift for like 10 hours with somebody who just talks and talks and talks. Right. Or somebody that ignores you and doesn't even make eye contact.

03:10Oh like they're pretending you're not there. So the one that's talking, yeah. Is this quick fire? Do I have to just answer one?

03:19Or do you want me to I want to hear the inner thinking?

03:22Do they allow me to speak?

03:24Um you're probably gonna struggle to get a word in, but but you might get the odd and talk over them a little bit. Yeah, I'd go with the one that didn't talk then. Didn't talk and didn't make eye contact. Yeah. I mean, do you not think that's sinister? No. Thinking it's gonna fucking murder you.

03:39No.

03:40Because I think after 10 hours, I'm quite a nice guy, he will be talking to me.

03:45Oh really?

03:45Yeah. You think you could turn him? I do. Right. Well, the one that doesn't shut up, I'll probably end up turning around and saying, shut the fuck up, mate. Do me edding. And then it would be awkward.

03:55He could become then the person who doesn't give you eye contact. Correct. But then if he's a big dude, he might actually just kill me. Well, he's not gonna be able to hide the fucking body though, is he? But he won't be bothered, buddy. I don't know. Might eat you. Yeah, ten hours, isn't it? It's gonna eat you in ten hours. Don't kill me. Eat me. It'd be like that film alive, you know, the plane crash. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Then the rugby team, they get started eating each other. Yeah. Scary that wouldn't it? I'd taste shit, I wouldn't.

04:22But so yeah, I'd go with the quiet one because I feel like I can still talk. They can listen if they want. They've got no choice. So I'll probably be the talker.

04:34Well, you probably would be. Yeah. So what you're saying is You'd be the one that didn't shut up. Yeah, you wouldn't you wouldn't want to get stuck in the lift with yourself. Correct. Actually, if you were stuck in the lifting yourself, would you would you talk to yourself? I probably would, to be fair. How would you calm yourself down? And breathe. Would you panic?

04:51I'd just breathe, no. I've been stuck in lifts before. And you didn't panic? No. The nurse said that I I was stuck in the lift with. Oh, that's probably because you were the talker. No, uh because the patients had cardiac at this. But anyway, that's another story. So yeah. Fuck. You did ask.

05:10I did. I didn't know it was gonna go down that route. Oh, exactly. Another one. We're now in a world where you've only got two choices of stuff that you watch online or on TV. Right. Is either chosen by AI or your wife. I'd go with the wife. Really? Yeah. She knows what you like. Correct. Do you not think that she just might throw a few things in just to push you off that?

05:38Um on certain days, yeah. But I'd like to I'd like to uh think that she'd know what I'd like. So I'd go with the wife. Fair enough. See how I'd go with AI. Yeah, but you'd go with AI with anything. You wanted the jury as AI. Yeah. You know what I mean?

05:54I've I've remembered what that film was, by the way. You know, I was trying to describe there was a particular movie. Was yeah, ever.

05:59Oh god, sorry about that, listeners, viewers.

06:02It was killing me. Um there's a movie where there's a guy strapped to the chair and the guy he's gonna electrocute him. He's got like 90 minutes or something like that to get the probability of down. It was called Mercy. Right, okay. Honestly, watch it is fucking ace. And it might just change your mind on whether you think the jury should be AI or not.

06:21It won't change my mind on that. But I'll I might watch the film if I get a spare 90 minutes.

06:26So, you've got to give up your smartphone or your car.

06:31That's a bit the phone all day. Really? Yeah.

06:39Yeah, the phone all day. Wow.

06:44It's a tough one, I must admit. I don't even think it's a uh a competition. Really? Yeah, quite happily give up the phone, no problem at all. Give me a phone then. No, I mean if it's if it's a case of what do I need the phone for, that's more important than me probably being able to get out and about. If you go and doing the Friday big shop, it used to be called the Friday big shop with a chippy tea afterwards. You know what I mean? Friday Chippy T. Yeah. Uh so if you're doing your Friday big shop, you don't want to be carrying that on. Do you know what I mean? If you if you if you you know want to go and see family, you don't want to have to get four buses to go and see them and stuff like that, you know. It's important you get four. Well, it doesn't matter how many that's the thing, where you can just jump in the car and away you go.

07:30Okay, fair enough. The most irritating type of person you've come across on Facebook is

07:42silent pause.

07:43Silent pause. That's just rude. Say the sorry, say the question when you said irritating person, I I I lost track.

07:53Yeah, I was being specific. I intentionally added some specificity into it.

07:56Yeah, I missed it on Facebook, on Facebook, yeah. Oh, the ones that posted dinner.

08:02Do people do that on Facebook?

08:04I thought that was more of an Instagram thing. It probably is now, but they any social media where they're posting. Look what I'm having. I mean, I've done it myself to be honest. Look what I'm having. Yeah, look what I'm having for my dinner. Who cares? Or them other people, you know what I mean? What other people? The ones that have to like or the others. Yeah, the ones that let me finish. The ones that have to go on there and go, Oh, I've had a busy day today, I've made the bed, I've done the wash in, I've put a wash out, I've done this, and it's only half nine. Who gives a fuck? But it's social media. It's not, it's like, oh, look what I've done, and you sat on your arse watching Good Morning Britain. You ask me what irritates me with that, and that's what irritates me. You know what I mean? It's like, why do you why do I need to know you've made your bed? Well done, you you should make your bed anyway, you lazy cow or man.

09:00So so in your classification of Homo sapiens.

09:07No, don't go there, it's not out. It's not male and female, just cut it out. It's crazy cow and man. I said lazy, but yeah. Oh lazy. Oh, lazy crazy, crazy lazy cow.

09:20Yeah, let's cut that out. No, no, that's let's fucking stay it in. That makes the cut. But that that's that's what annoys me, anyway, with uh social media where people have to put everything, you know what I mean. What's your favourite cheese?

09:35Um Leicester or Cheddar? Cheddar. Cheddar's a bit boring though, isn't it? I do like cheddar, I like a mature cheddar, but it's a bit boring, don't you think? You see texture wise, actually, I'll tell a lie. Actually, it's Scottish cheddar, I like.

09:52Oh, Scottish is that harder, yeah. It's well hard. I like it crumbled. Scottish cheddar. No, I don't like a crumbly one. Oh, I do.

10:01No, yeah, you can't you can't slice it properly, can you? I also like ones that you can always spread a bit. See, I love a I love a good stilton. Do you? Yeah. Stinky cheese. No. When I when I used to work in the kitchens years and years ago, it was one of my first jobs. They they did a uh a handmade. Handmade? Homemade? Well, is it homemade or handmade? Well, made by hand and home. Well, there you go then. Well, no, they're homemade. It was pub made. You know what I mean. They made it themselves. It wasn't one of these crappy buy-in. Homemade, homemade. Leak and stilton pie. Oh my god. It was ri it was ridiculous.

10:37Yeah, you like that, yeah?

10:38Yeah.

10:38Oh. Anyway. Not for me. Don't like leeks.

10:41Do you not like stilton?

10:42No.

10:42No, do you not like smelly cheeses?

10:44I just I just I'm just a cheddar sort of guy. Plain cheese, isn't it?

10:48Just normal. You know what worried? I uh I don't know if you know this or not. I used to work at a uh used to be an IT manager at a cheese place. Right? Did you know that? No, yeah. I used to work at a place in in Chester before you start giving me shit for it. That was Chester, by the way. Cheshire. Sorry, that was Cheshire. Why don't you just drop a pin on my fucking address for fuck's sake? He lives here. Cheshire. Um I forgot where I was going now. Yeah, I used to work at a cheese reformatting plant. Cheshire cheese? Not bad. No. It was just a cheese reformatting plant. He actually got their their cheese from Ireland because it was linked to uh their parent company who were in Ireland. Right. And they'd ship over. Honestly, you've never seen blocks of cheese this fucking big.

11:33No.

11:33You'd get a pallet with boxes of cheese on, and the book the and the the blocks of cheese were three, four times the size of a breeze block. I mean, they were fucking ridiculous. But this was a cheese reformant implant, and they used to grate it and slice it, and they had all these machines that were great, it's slice it, flavour it, do all that sort of shit. But the thing that grossed me out the most was they'd buy mody cheese, right? And they'd cut off, they'd buy these big blocks that had started to go mouldy and shit, and then they would cut off 10 centimetres all the way around, and there was then no mould left in what they they were left with. They were then allowed to then use it, yeah. But the scary thing is, I mean, this was like five percent the cost. So then this this this whole model then changed into buying shit cheese, moldy cheese, cutting it up and and fucking processing it, and it just made me for a while, it made me go off cheese. Right. Do you not think Stilton smells like moldy cheese though? Well, it is moldy cheese, it has it has happened, but it's in a controlled environment. Right, it's okay. I mean black malt can can cause all sorts of nasty shit. Yeah, but anyway, I don't really know what I'm gonna go into cheese, it's not that not that exciting, really.

12:45Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question. Go on. What's your thoughts?

12:54She's gonna be a thinker already. On women and the amount of clothes they have. My wife's not too bad, to be fair. Oh, you're lucky then. You wanna keep hold of her, mate.

13:07She has I mean she don't get me wrong, she has got a lot more cupboard space, drawer space, shelf space than I have. But yeah, I wouldn't say she's she's certainly not one of these that's got like 79 pairs of fucking shoes. Right. Well, it put to your wife different.

13:27Oh yeah.

13:29Yeah. Does she keep clothes that that she perhaps doesn't fit in anymore but thinks she might one day so keeps them?

13:37No.

13:38No? They're all clothes that that that all clothes are fitter.

13:42Does she wear them all? Not at once that no, that that would just be a bit weird. It's it's ridiculous, mate. It's ridiculous how many clothes she's got. So we have a uh under storage bed that's full of bags of clothes. Wow. On top of that, my son's got an understorage bed that's full of bags of clothes. Of hers, not his some Indian outfit. So he's not like inheriting. No, no, no, no, just hers. Cloth holding. On top of that, she's got two wardrobes. We've got uh a I think an eight chest of drawers, which we share. Well, yeah, she's got seven drawers. I was gonna say seven seventy-thirty. Yeah, yeah, that's how our drawers get shared. Well, it's not even that because I get one drawer. Oh yeah. Um that's sharing. Well, yeah, sharing is caring, isn't all that, you know. And then we've got hangers on the back of the doors, like most people have. Yeah, that's full as well. We have two coat stands at home full of a coats,

14:58shoes, coming out of shoes, handbags though. Oh my god. I've never seen anything like it. So we went on holiday to Rome for a week, and she took five handbags with her. So I'm thinking okay, we're going out. Maybe once at each day.

15:19We came home with eleven.

15:21What? Eleven more or shit, that's bad.

15:26Yeah.

15:27So anyway, I'm not here to diss my wife.

15:29So she collects clothes and collects.

15:31Handbags, shoes, Tupperwares, Tupperware, food containers, anything, mate. A bit of an order to be. Yeah. Saris coming out of saris. You know, Punjabi dresses coming out of Punjabi dresses. We got I mean, it's just ridiculous. I suppose you've got anywhere to sit. We haven't. We haven't. Do you know what I mean? So yeah. So that's that was my uh my my question. Is that just my house again?

16:01Well, it it no, I I th I think it it's it it's it's it's quite a common thing, isn't it? That apparently women have lots of shoes, lots of bags and stuff like that. I think I've just fallen reasonably lucky that Lorna's probably not as bad as she could be.

16:15Right.

16:17Just me then again. Would you rather have a photographic memory? Oh, or never have to sleep. Photographic memory?

16:32All day.

16:34That's easy. I mean, I'd like a photographic memory, but I'd also like the lack of inconvenience of having to sleep. No, I I I like a sleep. See, for me, it gets in the way. That means you're too busy. Possibly, but it it does it does get in the way. It's nice just to have a little wind down, a little snooze. To not get tired. Yeah, but see, this is the thing though. Do you do you have a sleep or a rest because you're tired? Or or do you just sleep because you know you need to have a sleep and you like a sleep?

17:10No, I sleep when I'm tired. So when I when I when I'm literally sat there in the sofa and starting to nod onto bed.

17:17But what if you never got tired? Then I probably wouldn't go to sleep. Wouldn't that be useful? Imagine how productive you could be. No. Let's say you had no ill effects of that, and you were like a machine, would you not enjoy that? No, what's the point in that? Because some of the most peaceful times are like early hours of the morning.

17:34You change your sleeping habits, so you got in the morning, just get up earlier. Alright. I just think genuinely, what would you do with that all that time? People say, now this this this annoys me. There's a lot of that annoys me to be honest. But people say, well, there's never enough hours in the day. We get 24 hours in a day. What would you do for them 24 hours?

18:03It's not really to be honest, for me, it's not really about being able to get more done. Although there is an element of that, it's more the peace. I like it when the cars, there's no hustle and bustle of kids running up and down the path near us, so I'm not getting mithered from my own kids or family. I I like that total solitude. Yeah. I might not even do anything with that time. I might sit there with that time and watch something on my iPad.

18:34So yeah, I I I think the photographic memory is better. Oh. What about you though? What would you pick out of them two? I know you said sleep, but would you really know?

18:45No, no, no, having heard what you said now. Um yeah, I'd I'd probably go for photographic memory. Um, there's loads of stuff that I used to know really, really well that's just dropped out of my mind, and I know it has. My memory is I don't fucking know. That's like saying, I lost the UK's, where are they? That's what you asked me. Right, so prawn cocktail crisps. Oh yeah. Cheese onion crisps, yeah, bacon crisps, as in smoky bacon crisps, chicken crisps, beef crisps. You know the standard Golden Wonder type flavours that we're the standard flavours. Which one tastes least like the thing it's meant to?

19:29So it depends on brand for me.

19:32Oh, okay. Let's go with Golden Wonder, first of all.

19:35Uh Golden Wonder, I would say I'm gonna go with prawn cocktail.

19:43Prawn cocktail, Golden Wonder tastes least like prawn cocktail.

19:47The reason being is I've never had prawn cocktail, so I don't like it.

19:52Well then you can't judge.

19:54But that's the point. But you're assuming that I've assuming I've no you're assuming I've had them.

20:00That's the thing. Right, hang on, hang on, hang on. So, what you should have done is you should have turned around and said, Well, I can't judge whether prawn cocktail crisps do or not, because I've never had fucking prone cocktail.

20:11Yeah, that's a valid point.

20:13Okay.

20:14But I don't think prawn cocktail would taste like prawn cocktail.

20:16Okay, well let's ignore you've never had prawn cocktail.

20:19So let's I've had prone cocktail crisps because I like skips and that.

20:22Okay, but let's ignore prawn cocktail. Right. Right. Have you had beef?

20:27Yeah, but I don't I've not had beef for 30 odd years.

20:30Fuck.

20:31Bacon? Yeah, not bacon, yeah.

20:33Okay, cheese and onion? Yeah. Beef. I've always said beef. What was the other? Chicken. Chicken. Yeah. Okay, so out of those, out of those that are left, yeah, which do you think tastes least like the actual I don't think any of them taste like the actual thing.

20:50Okay, but which taste least like um

20:57I'll go with See I'm I'm gonna have to rule beef out because I've not had beef for 30 years. You've not had beef for we need to come back to that. You've not had beef for 30 years. Um so I'm gonna go with You have though.

21:10I haven't in like not even like in a burger.

21:15No, I have Lamburgers.

21:17Wow.

21:18Or chicken burgers.

21:19No, no beef. Well, I I can understand why.

21:22Yeah. Um so I'm gonna go with Oh, it's a it's a different I don't think any of them do. Uh cheese and onion.

21:32Really? You think cheese and onion tastes tastes the least like cheese onion?

21:36Yeah.

21:36Yeah. Interesting.

21:41That was a hard question. It was a hard question, wasn't it? Yeah. Because none of them see this is the thing, you know, you know, you think oh the crisps and you do actually like the crisps. Like I love smoky bacon crisps. Yeah. But they taste fuck all like smoky bacon.

21:53That's the other thing that's the other problem of. I don't I don't like smoky bacon. Oh. I only like normal. Normal big. What's normal? I I I I only like like back bacon, that's not being smoked. Unsmoked bacon. That's uh got there. That took a while.

22:10You know, you talk about me getting me for the cocks. That that that was you trying to go over hurdles, so you kept yeah yeah, yeah.

22:17I do like Welsh chicken, but yeah. Uh but I do eat beef uh uh monster munch and beef crisps, beef monster munch lovely.

22:25Beef can you remember beef what sits? Yeah you can't thank fuck for that.

22:30Yeah because when I mentioned beef what's it to people but they weren't called beef what's it were called beefy what's it?

22:36Oh were they?

22:36Yeah, beefy, yeah.

22:38Because I've mentioned this to people and they've said no, yeah. Do you remember cheesy? It's like there was beef what do you remember the crisps?

22:46They were made by KP and they were called puffs.

22:49Yeah, they came in smaller packets, yeah.

22:52You used to crunch them up and just down them all in one. Yeah, they they had a beef flavour. Like a shot, yeah.

22:59They had a beef flavour, beef flavoured, beef flavoured and then I can't remember beef, I can remember the salt and vinegar ones. But yeah, puffs, they were there. They were like the cheap, like really cheap. 10p a bag, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were great then.

23:11Yeah, so you know, so yeah, 30 years, raw beef.

23:16Shit, that's a long time. Can can you remember liking it?

23:21I wasn't a big beef lover anyway.

23:24Big beefy lover.

23:30I've not always been a beefy lover.

23:32Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth shock me as well. I've I genuinely not missed it.

23:39On that story, fucking out when Lona was um pregnant with with our youngest, um, and we found this out whilst sat at a carvery. Okay, right, she all of a sudden turned like veggie. Oh right. But because she couldn't stand the smell of any form of cooked meat. And we sat there at a calvary, not not too far down the road, yeah. Sat there at a calvery, dishing stuff out. We're gonna have to go. It's like, and I've just piled my plate up. It's like I cannot cook. I cannot go now. And then that was it, literally, for I think, God, I think it was four months. We'd still got this. It was early on in the pregnancy, and and and she didn't go full term anyway, she only got to like 30 odd weeks. Yeah, um, but yeah, I mean, so I I was just saying I couldn't have she would she couldn't cook any meat, right? And she couldn't deal with the smell of any meat, or we couldn't go anywhere with the smell of any meat. I I had to literally become like a veggie, yeah. And I was like, I could have clawed my fucking eyeballs out, and it was beef. Thinking back now, it was beef that I wanted as soon as I possibly could. Yeah, burgers or or or beef.

24:44Yeah, I just think there's other options out there. I think we have we have days where uh we have veggie days as well, where it's just uh basically a veggie day, because my wife said so.

24:57Oh yeah, see, I quite like I I quite like stuff veggie, but I'd normally want it sort of like spiced or with stuff, but you're not you're not into spicy type stuff, are you?

25:06No. So part of uh obviously with my wife being Hindu, I don't eat beef out of respect for her. That's why I don't eat beef. Um, it's not because she said don't eat beef. It's my choice. Yeah. Uh because I wouldn't cook it in the house anyway. So what's the point in having it? Well, you know, maybe.

25:29So there's no room because of all the fucking Tupperware and the bit of fucking rice and flour.

25:34Well, yeah. Certain days uh within her relationship, she'll have vegetable days, so it's it's just veg. Alright. Um, and it's like we don't cook meat in the house for that day. She's never said you can't eat meat in the house and stuff like that because she does the majority of the cooking. I'm not gonna make meat in the oven and stuff like that on a veggie day for her because I think it's just a lack of respect, but that's just me. You know me.

26:01I didn't realise that that that was the case. I didn't realise that that was a thing that was linked to religion about cooking certain types on certain types.

26:08Yeah, it is for her religion. There's one where it's a 30-day no meat. Fucking hell, mate, that's a killer.

26:16Well, tell me about it. I did about fucking 90 days with no fucking meat.

26:19No, I know, but when when you know it's planned as well. And and you don't eat it coming, don't you? You don't eat veggies. So you gutload yourself with meat beforehand. Well, you tried to sausage.

26:35It's so hard because I don't eat like vegetable Indian food or I I'm my veg is cauliflower, broccoli, sprouts, carrots, that's about it. Yeah, it must be difficult that. Yeah, so I use a lot of cheese, pies, and pasties.

26:53And uh so you probably don't even like like onion barge type stuff, do you think? Because it's like no spice and cooking.

27:00I will have occasionally when she makes them uh like spring rolls and samosas, vegetable ones and them. I will have them occasionally, but I have to dip them in tomato ketchup.

27:15So you have a little sauce, you know what I mean. No, not like minty jogging. Tough you are. I'm a tough crowd, yeah. Uh so yeah, so certain things like that we have the veggie days, uh, and I find them quite difficult.

27:29But they're difficult because of your alternatives are uh a list about that big.

27:34On the veggie days, so it's no no no fish, no eggs, no meat. That's a veggie day for us. So it's literally potatoes and beans, no spice. Potato and beans. That's all right, yeah.

27:50But after 30 days of eating it twice a day. Well, you could have but you could have bashed potatoes one day and yeah, chips, chips another day, and roast potatoes another day.

27:59That's that's that's the thing. So I do find that difficult, but I again out of respect, I'll do it.