First Cars, Dodgy Paint Jobs, Car Accidents and When Farts Are Funny

00:00Welcome to These Two Shouldn't Have a Podcast. Coming up in today's episode, we find out that Paul's tawlic humour from a child has never left him.

00:10Oh, come on. You sat there in the doctors and someone just cocks the leg and pfft drops you all out. That's not funny for you. No. I mean I don't find it disgusting.

00:21Unless I smelt it, then I'd be thinking you dirty bastard. That's the funny part though. But how is how is that how is that funny?

00:29Because it's just funny, isn't it? When you're taking a body to the mortuary and they fart, that's not funny.

01:11Well fuck. Um so my mum at the time had this bright yellow Dayatsu Sharade, and we knew this person owned a garage, and he just braided it black for us, and then I blacked all the wheels and everything. That was the idea that I was gonna have that car when I passed my test. Right. And literally a couple of weeks before I then passed my test, I'd saved up some money, and my parents put some money to another car. So my mum had got this yellow car that she absolutely fucking loved. It was now black and she didn't really like it anymore, ready for me, and then I ended up with this other car, but I had a stra saloon. Oh it was a bit funky because rather than being a hatchback, it had like the little brackets and like a weird boot thing. Um and I nearly ripped the back end of the boot off within like the first time. So you're from Cheshire, no posh cars and all that. It wasn't well, it wasn't a posh car, but it had round headlights as well rather than the cars.

02:06I had a mini club in the state. Well, that's alright. Orange. It was. Mine was burnt orange. Alright, so it was orange with go faster stripes down the side of it. Can you go faster in a mini club in the state? And the best of it, right? The back doors without rusted, all you got was the blue smoke in the back of the virtual fumes as you drive.

02:30So you were basically trying to commit suicide every time you drove your car?

02:33Yeah, it was great. It was great. So I got this car before I passed my test, right? And the day I passed my test, I went out in it. And I went round the corner and the wheels fell off.

02:43It actually fell off.

02:45Yeah, they fell off, they just collapsed as I went round the corner.

02:48Fuck.

02:49Yeah. So I phoned my uncle up, who wasn't a mechanic but knew quite a lot of people. He said, Don't worry about that, we can sort that. 30 quid it cost me to get the wheels back on.

03:00Would you just not not they just weren't tightened on the colour?

03:03No, no, the whole ball joint had gone. Yeah, the ball joints had snapped and everything. 30 quid? Yeah, but you're talking like, yeah, you know. I was born in 75, man, so you know what I mean. If you have a horse and cart, I'm sure replacing the fucking wheel on a horse and cart will probably cost more than that. But it was a dodgy garage. So then my uncle decided, I've got your car, I'll spray it for you.

03:23I thought it was happy days. So did he spray it from orange to something else or something else to orange? He didn't spray it. Oh. He painted it. And fuck off.

03:32He did. With a brush. With a brush. Brush strokes. Well, this is the thing. And I think it was amorite to be honest. But it was orange still. He didn't change the colour.

03:44So why did he paint it?

03:46He got some dodgy paint off the back of a wagon, which happened to be orange. Didn't know what to do with it and thought, Paul's got an orange car. I'll paint his car. Because he didn't want the evidence in his garage anymore.

03:58Oh, so you're driving around with the evidence?

04:00Yeah.

04:00No one knew, did he? Apart from until now.

04:03You know what I mean?

04:05But I've got questions.

04:08Okay, I've probably got answers.

04:11So most people will prep a car and stuff. So you'd mentioned that obviously the back was all rusted and the fumes came in and you're every time you're fucking driving. So take it was still all prepared nicely and everything, or did he just actually paint over the fucking rust?

04:26No, it didn't even paint over the rust, he just left the back doors anywhere. He ran out of paint.

04:35So the thing that could kill you was not fixed. Yeah, but it was only going to kill me if I if I kept my windows closed, but I never. So I'd have I'd have my windows open anyway. Yeah, the heating banging on. So you know, in the winter, you still have the windows down because you had to have your tunes for everyone to hear. In a mini. In the yeah, with holes in the back doors. Orange. I had a car. Do you know what I mean? So it was like I went to Wales in it and it blew up on the way home, but that's that's you know what I mean. Uh but yeah, we had the tunes banging out on the old tape. Now, whatever it was, in forma, snow, inform. You know what I mean? And all that. Um haven't I?

05:16Because the minute you did it, I knew what you meant. It's it's the it's the actions. It's just that I probably wouldn't have guessed without that.

05:24Well, well, this is the thing, you see. So, yeah, so we had that, and we had a bit of uh Otis Redding and stuff like that. Yeah, just a singer, innit? I don't know, sing it. Oh no, that's okay. Oh go on, go on. Sitting on the dark of the bay. Oh, yeah, I know that. Yeah, yeah, stuff like that. Wide range of tunes. Well, we thought we were the next big boy band. I see big boy band. Well, he was he was a big band.

05:49He was a big boy with his lifted, weren't he?

05:51So but you know what I mean. So but anyway, yeah. So your first car was an Astra. Yeah, a sporty one. A Vauxhall Astra. Yeah, yeah. Or was it an Opal Astra?

06:07No, no, it was it was it was a Vauxhall. Oh, in did getting imports and getting Opal was uh was was a later thing.

06:13So my second car was a Vauxhall Cavalier Strangely enough, so was fucking mine. Oh yeah, but I bet yours wasn't as good as mine.

06:26Mine was a B Reg blue, it was a hatchback. Mine was a hatchback. GLS. Oh, I see, yeah. It was a 1.6 GLS.

06:36Mine was a 1.6L. Oh, well. Right worthy. It was the hatchback. Right. It was on a X-reg, I think it was. Oh mine was a B Reg. Yeah. And it was brown. Nice. No, it wasn't. It was brown, but the interior was brown.

06:58Nice.

06:58And I bought it for I bought it from the auctions. I bought it from the auctions, it cost about a 75 quid. It was terrible.

07:08They were big cars though, weren't they?

07:10They well I found that out when I tried to put it in my mum's garage because there was no tax on it when I got it back from the auction. Did it not fit? It it did eventually, yeah. So the doors were a little bit damaged. So I've got uh my uncle who painted my car got got rid of them dents for me. So that was that was quite cool. And then um yeah, I took it over to you know how you do when you when you you with your mates and stuff, and you go, Yeah, do you want to have a go with my car?

07:38It's it's a 1.6L, you know, it's fast, it's rapid compared to my mini.

07:42Yeah, I've been there, I don't you mate. Yeah, but I mine ended up round a tree when I wasn't driving it. We went through a field through a fence because it it it pressed a brake. What one of your mates? Yeah, or was it nicked? One of your mates. No, that was that was the thing, you see. Uh yeah, it was one of my mates that did it, but I I went home and said my car was nicked.

08:03All these things that you're out in. I don't care me. Um next you'll be smuggling 116 fucking lizards.

08:09Well, there you go, yeah. Uh yeah, so it was like, yeah, one of my mates. Obviously, I didn't go on the insurance and stuff like that with it because they want to lose me no crazy. Oh, it is. No, I did have insurance. Was it MOT'd? Yeah, yeah, everything was all it was all legit, like, you know what I mean? And you passed your test. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I just thought I'd let him have a go. He hadn't passed his test.

08:29So that was illegal then?

08:31Yeah, but we were on a field that was like well, uh a road that was like a private road. It wasn't we weren't on the main roads, you know what I mean? Not that stupid. Retreat. Yeah, yeah.

08:39Yeah, you're not that stupid. You're not gonna let someone go in your car, it's gonna fuck it up.

08:42Well but the story anyway, because obviously I was like, I come to my car, mum, and um I came back and it was like this, someone's robbed it and put it back in the parking space. That's bad. You know what I mean? And she just went. Who drove it?

09:01You know, she's gonna know when you're like I was only 17, young, and you know, it was f it was fun. How weird's that though, that your second car was the same. Well, not quite as good, but the same. Well, you know, I had I had something similar with my second car, and it's probably one of the most embarrassing crashes I've had because I've had loads, I've been involved with loads of accidents. Uh yeah, well, we'll ignore the one with the Astro too with my Astro. But my second car, most embarrassing, because it was literally five minutes from home driving down quite a normal road. I'd got like, I think I'd have transported some glasses or something to the to the pub that I worked at. Um, pint glasses in um boxes, you know, they used to stack them up with cardboard across things and a couple of boxes of those. Now, I'm I'm like 18 at the time, not too clever. Now, I would probably pack them in the boot, or I would put multiple boxes across the seats. Whereas what I decided to do was put all three boxes stacked on top of each other in the centred seat because that made so I could keep an eye on them through the rear view mirror. Did you put a seatbelt on them as well? No. Oh, okay. Because there was no fucking seatbelt. No. Well, there was a it might have been a lap belt, but it probably didn't fit. So, of course, I'm just driving, you know, normal sort of speed, put my foot on the brake a little bit. You can imagine all the crash, crash, crash. So, what do you do? And then what did I do? Looked back, and there's a car right in front of me. Whack! Straight into a stationary car that didn't even have anyone in it. It was a car that was parked to the side of the street. So I'd clearly look behind me as I'd look behind. I must have done this from the steering wheel, we must have done that. And then so when I've looked back, I'm like interparked cars, and yeah. Did you drive off? Um, I no, I left my details and never. No, I did, because I absolutely shit myself from the first couple of crashes I'd had. I'd learned you know, by by the age of 18, I've been driving a whole year, I'd had many crashes and I'd learn from it.

10:55No, I've never really had a crash.

10:56See, you drive all the time as well. The law of averages is you should probably should have had about 300 times.

11:03Put the motors on it.

11:05Well, no, I mean by crash, I mean knocking someone's wing mirror off, not stopping in time and nudging them. I mean, they're crashes.

11:12No, not really. Yeah, they are. No, I mean skirmishes. No, no, yeah, but as in, yeah. Being involved in a couple, as in um being a passenger in a few. You know what I mean? So uh, but yeah, other than that, I've been quite fortunate. Quite lucky then, really. No, I wouldn't say you're lucky, I'd go on a skill.

11:35Oh really? So you choose who to get in the car with. Right. You've been in the car with me. Hang on, hang on. Did you know my crash history before you got in the car with me? No.

11:43But I have knocked a few things down though. But I wouldn't class them as crashes, you see.

11:50I've tried that with the wife, Lorna. I've done you know, when I've hit bollards or you've tried knocking hair down, no, no, right. I've tried to come from that angle. I mean, because a lot of my crashes have been hitting stationary objects, right? Not not I've told the car before now by not seeing the big yellow metal bollard in a car park. But when we first had our last car, it was within a couple of weeks. I'd relied too much on the parking sensors and and went over a bollard on a car park. I'm I'm a car park car killer. Right. Um, but and I keep saying to her, well, they're not real accidents, but it doesn't really work.

12:27Yeah, uh they're driving errors. Misjudgments. No, driving errors. See, so mine have not been stationary things. Is that better or worse? Well, I don't know. If they've been moving moving away from you, it's just like your robot's changing them. So, I mean, is it an accident if you knock a kid off his bike? When he runs in front of you. Do you know what I mean? It's a bit close to home, that I've run over a kid. You know. Um is it is it an accident? Yeah, that is an accident. It's a road traffic accident. It's an accident.

13:02It's an accident. No, no, no, no, no, it fucking isn't. Well it's not an accident, is it? RTA. It's not. It is. It's not. Were you on the road? What was the street? Well, let's be super clear. Were you on the road? No one's on the fucking pavement. They're driving down the pavement, trying to plant a little bastard down.

13:24Oh, that's a path traffic accident then. They've come off the curb. Yeah. Into me. Not me into them.

13:32But into you in front of you or into you side? Into me in front of me. Well it's an accident then, it's a full on accident.

13:39No, no, it's not. I don't class that as an accident. And then the other one was a sheep. On a bike? No, they weren't on a bike, they were on the road, a country road. But he put its head through the uh the fence as I was going down. Oh. Yeah. Just its head? Yeah.

13:56Did you clip its head? Yeah. Did it clip?

14:00Did you look at where you know? No, well, it's nodding. It's not a good thing. But you know you have to report that to the police because it's a farm. Really? Yeah, because yeah, yeah. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because obviously that farmer uh uh will number the sheep, won't he, and or animals. You know what I mean?

14:21What's he numbered that one, 999?

14:23So Noah ended up because it was on a country road, so I ended up phoning 999.

14:28You phoned 999. What? Wouldn't you phone the non-emergency?

14:32Well, there wasn't one then. Uh it was a phone one of the red phone boxes. I'm in the middle of nowhere, so I phoned them and they just said, Oh, right, it's okay, just let the farmer know. And that was it. Yeah. Did you let the farmer know? Yeah, of course. Because you're a Laura Biden sister. It took me a while to find his farm, though. You know what I mean?

14:48Well, yeah, I mean, how would you know?

14:49I knocked on one farm and he was like, Don't have sheep, mate. I've killed your sheep and don't have them. I said, Well, do you know what farm that does? He went, yeah, that one about half a mile down the road. Because they're never next door, are they?

15:00No, they're not. I mean, you know what I mean. That that field that we live near, they're they're out towards a few miles that way, the owner of that field.

15:08It's like that one on the 62. I mean, what you know? The one with his houses in the middle of the motorway. Do you know what I mean? He's got all them fields around him. Why did you build a house away from the motorway? I guess it's probably that again. I'm not fucking moving. Uh-huh. Pollution Addy. Anyway. Uh so yeah, anyway.

15:27So I'm gonna drive around in your mini absorbing dioxide. That was my own. Oh, that's alright. I paid for the fuel. I was gonna use it in every way possible. Oh, geez, you'd have to be really careful how far you drove. Imagine doing like driving from Manchester to London. Yeah, but you took it, you're talking late 80s.

15:47No, you're not, you're not not actually, you're talking early, early 90s, 92, 93. You know what I mean? People weren't bothered back then. Now everyone's bothered about everything.

16:00Yeah, yeah, it is true. It is true. Everything's offensive. It's like yeah, I was gonna be I was gonna be really I was gonna get us cancelled then. Cancelled before we started. But but no, everybody, it's like you can't do anything. It's like in the olden days, in our days, if you offended somebody, you offended somebody. It's like they wouldn't complain.

16:24Can you imagine though? In the UK now, somebody smuggling lizards. No, you'd have to go to fucking Poland to do But do you know what I mean? If that happened here, I'll tell you what, it'd be on every news channel in the world.

16:42You'd have God knows how many you'd have the RSPCA doing an interview, you'd have different animal welfare groups in interviews, political parties.

16:50But they all stood outside the bus stations, the depots. How dare you let them on the bus, you know what I mean? Like they do. You know what I mean? Oh, please lizards rights. I mean, I'm not I'm not one to tell people how to live the life or anything like that. You live your life the way you want and enjoy it. But come on.

17:09Yeah, it's it's gone a bit silly nowadays. You you really you can't you can't fart without causing offence or say something without causing offence.

17:17But how when people fart.

17:22I mean I don't I and I don't I don't see the I don't see the humour in it.

17:25What?

17:26I don't really see the human.

17:27Oh come on. You sat there in the doctors and someone just cocks the leg and drops one out. That's not funny for you. No, made.

17:35I mean I don't find it disgusting. Unless I smelt it, then I'd be thinking you dirty bastard. That's the funny part though. But how is how is that how is that funny? Because it's just funny, isn't it? It's not I wouldn't say it's I get offended by it because it's not an offensive thing, it's a body function. But I wouldn't encourage it. I wouldn't I wouldn't say, oh yeah, I'm gonna sit next to you. Force a few out, will you? It'll just it'll make me think it'll make me smile.

18:03No, but when it happens like accidentally, it's funny, innit?

18:09I don't see the human. Now, if somebody farted in shat, as in follow through, I'd find that fucking funny.

18:17I like the way you explain what shat meant.

18:20Well, follow through. Because I didn't know whether that's a northern thing or not, or sharted. I didn't know it's that a Norman thing. Norman? Norman? Who the fuck is Norman? Is that a northern thing or is that just a a a national You're from the North? I know, but not everybody's gonna be from the North. I'm from the North and I say that, yeah. But does everybody say that? They do in America.

18:41Do they?

18:41Yeah.

18:42It was on one of the films, one of them Adam Sandler films, he just shouted.

18:47Yeah. There you go. But no, I don't I I find that funny, but only because of the the personal disgrace that that person would be going through, it'd be like, ha ha, that'll fucking teach you, you knobhead. Yeah, I just find it funny.

18:58So you're sat there, right? You're sat there in a school assembly, right?

19:06Oh, hang on, hang on.

19:07Oh, see, no, no, hang on. You're sat there in a school assembly. So you're sat in a school assembly as a parent on on one of these performances that they're yeah, so you know where my own. So you're sat there watching your little kid up on stage, saying, you know, Abe and I'm Lincoln, or whatever it might be, is this, that, and the other, right? Anyway, you're watching them, right? Yeah, whatever it might be. So you're watching them. And it's all dead quiet. Little Johnny in the corner.

19:42Is little Johnny a parent? No. Or is little Johnny a kid? But he's on stage. Right. You're not gonna laugh at that. But that yeah, that would be funny. So it's funny then it is. No, that would be funny. Whereas if little Johnny was the nickname for a grown-ass man sitting three away from me, in fact, worse still, in front of me, with his arse sort of poking through like the bit of the chair, and therefore my knees are probably that far away from him, and and and the the the material on my jeans on my knees would absorb the smell, then no, I'm not gonna fucking find that funny. I think you really overthought this. No, you made me think about it. No, I don't th I wouldn't find that funny.

20:28Just generally, when people accidentally fart, you don't find that funny. Not really. Oh, I think it's fucking less.

20:36Do you find it funny when people breathe?

20:39It's a bodily function. It depends on how to breathe. It's yeah, I just I just find it quite uh you know, it's like you're doing a talk or you you're at work and you're doing someone's on stage doing a talk, and next minute you're you know me.

20:54No, if anything, I'd feel embarrassed for them. I'd feel bad. I see, no, I'd feel bad for them because I'd be thinking, oh my god, that would kill me inside if that happened to me. And that's so I almost like adopt their dread. Maybe I'm fucking highly sensitive or something.

21:10Yeah, I think so. Because I'd find that hilarious, me. I'd be like, oh, that was their phone, do you know what I mean? I wouldn't go up to them because obviously it's their moments of whatever moment, literally. Their moment. Do you know what I mean? Hey mate, that was hilarious. Did you shout? Yeah, exactly. That's it, you know what I mean? Because that that's not funny. But the they're the things that go through my head. The sound of that, oh death follow through there, he's touching cloth on that one.

21:37No, not for me. I don't I just don't I just don't get it. I don't get that. It's not funny. It's a bodily function, it's not funny. I'm breathing. Do you find that funny? It is a bodily function. Okay, so what about burping then? Do you find that funny? It depends. No, no, no, but okay, so why is farting funny when burping's not? I'd never said burping was. Okay, no, but you said it depends, so that's almost like you're putting a distinction.

22:00But the farting depends, doesn't it? Farting depends as well. If it feels warm and runny. No, but it depends on the situation. That's what I'm on about. The situation lets you know whether it's funny or not. Right, okay. That's what I'm saying. So it is funny when it's an accident.

22:19So accidents are funny.

22:20Yeah. Of course they are.

22:22So people falling over and hurting themselves. That's funny. Well it depends how default, to be honest with you. So you can hold up the card.

22:28That was a fucking 10. Oh, come on.

22:31You can't not laugh at people falling sometimes.

22:34I I think the funniest bits are when I mean it's like when I'm on ice skates or roller skates, to be honest, the whole Bambi thing going on, I'm fucking terrible. It's when people try and correct and the overcorrection goes on for so long, it's like, oh, are they are they? Are they that or no? Bang! That's funny. Now if someone just goes straight away, that's not funny.

22:54No, because they probably seriously like collapsed or something. Do you know what I mean?

23:00I went a bit dark. No, because they probably had a fucking anyone's.

23:03I mean, that being said, my lad was on a parade the other week, and the guy the the guy in front of him he he he he went. Uh it wasn't funny after it was it was because once you know they're okay, yeah, that's when it's funny.

23:16Yeah, agreed. And in Army Cadet, I was in Army Cadets, and we we had a change of the colour in Chester, and that was like that. We were stood there for I think three or four hours. Yeah. It's fucking 13 and 14 year olds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

23:26Blazing sun, and there was loads of that's the that the the the bits are fine funny, so like if it's really quiet and you're in church, you're at a wedding and someone farts. I just find that funny. Because sometimes you don't even know who's done it, but it's just everyone's shoulders are going, giving it somewhere that you know what I mean. They're the fun that that's what I mean by farting's funny. Do you know what I mean? So that's that's what I'm all about. When you're taking a body to the mortuary and they fart, that's not funny.

24:00What the fuck

24:04of levels of wrongness on that.

24:06But they don't defart.

24:07Well, no, no, they ex the the air comes out of their orifices.

24:12Yeah, it's farting. That's all air is, that's all farting is.

24:15Alright, so air comes out of the nose, the nose farting. No, well exactly. So, you know, air's just coming out of where it can get out of, right? Don't they cork it or or block it?

24:27Eventually. Yeah, it's not it's not pleasant. It's not pleasant, it's not even pleasant either.

24:33Is it not is it not funny then?

24:37No.

24:38So is it not funny because there's no personal shame attached to it?

24:41No, but it's not funny when you've heard it a few times. Okay. So when you don't

24:51when you've got somebody new who hasn't seen that before when you were in work and you're taking them down to the and their reaction, that's what's funny. Other people's reaction to it is what's funny.

25:07Because you used to be a porter, didn't you? I did. I did. So you've had lots of dead people fighting on you. Oh yes.

25:14Oh yeah.