Stinky Stickers, Doorman Chaos, DJ Disasters and the Shortest Job Ever

00:00Welcome to These Two Shouldn't Have a Podcast. Coming up, we find out why your choice of music when you're a DJ is actually more important than you think. Yeah, so I'm thinking, oh, everyone's loving the Irish music, but it must be one or the other. It must be the opposite of what that.

00:15Yeah.

00:16Oh my god, I n I nearly got stabbed.

00:19Fuck.

00:20They were they were keeping climbing over chairs after me. You picked the wrong side. Then this woman came over to me. Right. And she said to me, she says, you've really fucked up that. I'm like, I do apologize. She said, it's not me you need to apologize to. It's all please.

01:11There used to be this old lady that lived just up the road from where we lived when I was growing up, and she had a nephew come and stay with her every now and again because he was like from I think it was from Germany or something. His parents had moved out to Germany, but he was like totally English speaking, you wouldn't think he was German. Um but he was part of the Stinky Stickers Club, and it was like a proper sticker album with these like little round stickers that you got, and every single one of these little stickers were a scratch and sniff. That was my first exposure to uh to stinky stickers. Stinky stickers were great, I've to find the link. But these are like the grass, fresh cut grass, and you you scratch it and sniff anyways, or candy floss, or ice cream, or dirty knickers.

01:54Well, you know, you're scratching and sniffing, aren't you? You never know. I've never heard of them to be honest. I've just uh seen them on uh every fresh visit. I'm I'm I'm still trying to I'm trying to process why when I'm when I'm when I'm putting out visions of like fresh cut grass, you know, candy floss, and you your natural place to go to is soiled knickers. Although you should live in Japan, because they have those um don't they have those vending machines? Yeah, they have vendor machines, yeah. We have vendor machines in Japan. Yeah, but in our vending machines they don't have soiled knickers. No, why do they in Japan? Yeah. Why don't I want to live there? Well well, because clearly you've got some sort of problem. No, not at all. Not at all. Maybe we're not at all, not at all. Scratch and sniff. Scratch and sniff, box. My um my source of first experience on stickers was uh Panini.

03:00What?

03:01Collecting the football stickers, the Panini stickers. Panini, is that what is that what they were? Panini. I'm sure that's what they're called. See, I I'd I'd um I'd gone just before them. I'd got remember Batch to the Future, I'd got the Batch to the Future album, and it was the only sticker album that I'd ever completed. But that was about Panini as well, wasn't it? Well, I I don't know. I don't know, is Panini the make of the stickers? Or is it the make of the glue? Panini glue. Panini. No, that just makes it sound like it's a bit subway used. Yeah. Anyway, so I've got a question to ask you anyway. Go on. So we both worked in the entertainment uh industry, haven't we? So to speak. Entertainment, maybe? Or I mean I I felt some parts of most of my jobs were entertaining. Is that isn't that what you mean? But no, I mean, well

03:51right, I know we I know where you're going now. Yeah, yeah, we've both we've both entertainment, is it? Um is it you could say hospitality. That's what that's the word I was looking for, to be honest. You know, it entertainment, hospitality, yeah. Two two different two hospital things. Two different things. This is entertainment, this is not hospitality. Yeah, so but okay, hospitality, which turned into probably entertainment. So anyway, so we've both been in it in our own way. Yeah. I was a DJ, you were the doorman. I was. I want to ask you the question. Oh god, go on being a doorman. Go on. What is the funniest thing that's happened when you've been on the doors?

04:33The funniest thing? The funniest thing.

04:39It's a bit of a weird one. Because it wasn't very funny. You had to be like in a bit of a serious mode. No, I get that. But when you've come away from being in a serious mode and you reflected back, yeah, there must be something that's funny. You're thinking, what can I done there? Let me have a thing. Let me have a thing, let me have a think. Um,

05:09a light bulb moments.

05:13Not not so much funny, more more unusual. Okay, yeah, we're going out. Right. So it's probably gonna be funny for me. Well, I mean, there's there's a few actually now you've opened up this fucking Pandora's box. Um, so it's not about you know getting bottled or fights and shit like that.

05:30Well, that's not funny, isn't it?

05:31So so the first thing that's a bit unusual, we'll say unusual, not funny, because it's a serious, it's serious shit. Yeah, okay, okay. You wouldn't ask a police officer what's the funniest bit about your your job? All right, all right, fair enough, right? So the first unusual fact is that even though me and Lorna, the wife, had had met at school, obviously we'd gone our different ways and both got married and and kids and shit, then we actually met back up again, but we where we met back up again was on the doors.

05:58Oh, okay.

06:00I was on the door, she was the head door person. Oh, okay. So it wasn't even like she was a customer, so she's your boss, she she well she's my boss now.

06:09She was your boss there, don't you?

06:10She wasn't my boss, she was just the head door person. Isn't that the boss? No, the boss is the people you work for who pay you wages. So we ask you to that. No, so that's that's an unusual one. So it's like, right, okay, so where did you meet? On the doors. Oh yeah, oh yeah, getting your leg over with a gun. No, no, it was she was yeah, yeah. Anyway, so that's the first thing. Um, the funniest thing looking back was we were working at this this place in Sandbach, um, and it was renowned for for having previously had quite a bad drug problem, and there were quite a lot of travellers camps reasonably close, so it was known for being a bit of a rough ass pub. Um, and they had this um little mini rave on, so they had these function rooms upstairs. Um was it a pub? Club. It was a it was a pub. Okay, yeah. This particular venue. I'm not gonna say what it was, but this particular venue was a pub. We've we've worked at clubs shit as well. Uh that's another funny story. They're all coming out now. Um, so there's this little mini rave, and there's there's quite an anti-drugs thing. I mean, part of being on the doors is to start drugs going in as opposed to being a fucking dealer, which some people clearly fucking were. Um so we're doing a bit of a sweep beforehand and you know, checking shit out, and and uh to cut a long story short, there were like a couple of DJs, and and we'd basically kick the DJs out for drugs before the rave would even fucking died. But I think I'd have to check with Lum, I'm sure it was two or three of the DJs that we actually get kicked out. Fucked them off because they had fucking drugs for themselves, it doesn't matter. Well, no, no, it doesn't they had fucking drugs, so that so they were gone. Wow, so yeah, we actually kicked the fucking DJs out. But did the night still go ahead though? I can't honestly can't fucking remember. I can't remember. So that's that's one funny thing. Another funny one is Garden. I used to work at this um this place in Northwich. Did you check the DJ though? So you look I can't never be checked by a dormant. I can't remember. I I need to well, you know, we've covered this on a previous episode, haven't we? Where I've I've got no fucking memory retention. Yeah, I I can't remember. I'll I'll have to check with my wife. That's fine. Uh we might come back and do another episode where I say, you know what? I've got all the full story now. This is why I can't tell jokes. Because I can fucking remember the punchline. Anyway, so another one that was was quite funny. Actually, thinking back, it's quite dangerous now, but it was quite funny.

08:37Yeah.

08:37You know, when you when you fight or flight, adrenaline's going, I was it was at a um it was a pub nightclub uh in in Northwich, quite a big pub. Uh again, I'm not gonna say the name, I'm not getting free advertising out of us. Yeah, no. Um I was front doorman, so I was on the front door. Um, I think it was about five five of us on, something like that, and then something radio came through, something got off upstairs, so he's like, oh fucking hell. Ran through, found this guy, grabbed him, head under the arm, took him all the way down the stairs, took him all the way through the porb, took him outside, and then sort of let it go. And it's just like it's just like a fucking limp lettuce. Because obviously, what I've done is I've gripped him gripped into fucking strong and he's just gonna think shit. And then you don't even you don't think about it at the time. I wasn't aggressive, I'd just it again it was drugs related, so it's just like and he was obviously gonna kick off, so I was just he'd got I'd got him under my arm was the best best way to sort of disarm him, right? But yeah, he was just like a limp lettuce when I got him out, and then I'm thinking, shit, it's probably taken me a minute or two to to get from that top floor down the stairs, but you don't realise because your adrenaline's going, right? I I sort of like get a little bit, it'd be a good defence ever if ever I killed someone, to be honest, because I just block I just sort of like black out. I have no memory of sh of shit that happens when adrenaline kicks in. Um not that I was nasty to him, but it's just the fact that he was like limp and then he's sat outside and it's like shit, what do we do now? So yeah. Wow. So maybe not quite funny for him. No, but that's what I'm honorable, but yeah, I mean it's that was a nice storm and me. I would I would much rather have taught people down and then fucked them off out. You know, I sort of model myself on like the roadhouse sort of style, you know, where it's like, you know, get yeah, I can scrap, okay. Um but but you know, actually, I just want you out. I just want you outside. Yeah, Patrick said, yeah, the new version, the new version's yeah, it's not all Vienal now. Honor McGregor's character in it just just what's going on with his accent?

10:38I don't know.

10:43Anyway, yeah. So so I mean there's loads of stories, but yeah, the kicking kicking the DJs out, I think, is is one of the the highlights of of my door years. That's that's unusual.

10:54How long did you do the dolls for?

10:58God, not not far off, ten years. It's quite lucky actually, but I mean it was in Cheshire. It's like I would not do the doors in fucking Manchester. No, I managed to managed to get through that number of years without being stabbed, without being bottled, and without being glassed. I thought yeah, I thought that's a good innings. That that that'll do me. Yeah, yeah. Excellent. It's good fun then. Yeah, that's my dumbbell choking someone out down the stin. I mean I've I've chucked loads of people out in different situations, but yeah, it was just the fact that I just hadn't realised it'd gone limp. So yeah, just it was just out. Oh god, there were others. I used to I used to work on um in in crew. Oh, yeah. I mean, most people have heard of crew because, like, you know, north to London trains go through crew and nobody wants to get off because it's an absolute shithole, right? I used to live in crew, but I used to work on like one of the roughest pubs in crew on the on the front door and again was on the front door, and you know, you used to have people who you were ragging out, but the problem was there's only like a thin path from the venue door and then the road, and it was like quite a major fucking road because you're grappling with people and dragging them out, and as soon as you got them outside the premises, you just want to fucking push them away. That's it. The amount of fucking times it's been like swinging people around, it's like shit, there's a car come in, and you're swinging them back in again because you're gonna end up killing them and pushing them in front of a fucking bus. Fucking terrible, terrible. Excellent, yeah. It's interesting though when you find out about people's little fascies that funny things. So, what what what's the funniest thing? Because you've um you know, entertainment, hospitality, yeah, DJ, what's what's your funniest your funniest moments? Um getting kicked out of a pub for drugs before you started. I can honestly say that was not me. That was not me. Um

12:48I think probably one of the funniest ones, which wasn't funny at the time, but when you look back, one of them, it was a surprise engagement party. Not yours. No, no, I was DJ the surprise engagement party. So you knew about it. Yeah, yeah. The venue knew about it. The venue knew about it. Obviously, one of the people knew about it. The lad who booked me knew about it. Right. Anyway, so came to the crunch play, all the music's off. Engagement party, or he was gonna propose. No, no, it was yeah, it was a proposal, yes, and then he hoped it would turn into God, oh well, I can see how this is going already. So, anyways, then on the dance floor, uh gives me the scene. It's just a little thumbs up there. Did you have a tune that you had to play? Particular tune, or did you just have to go cut the music? Cut the music, cut the music, yeah, cut the music, like throwing the mic nothing, throwing the mic. Throwing the mic, yeah, pretty much sliding the mic, yeah. Uh stood there, ready to go. He gets on the one day and all that. And she basically turned round and went I can't. I'm sleeping with your brother. Nearly. Oh. Sleeping with his best mate. Was he there? Yeah. Did they get engaged? Nope. Your first mate went, it was mu it was months ago. He said this was all going on. So obviously there's parents there, everyone's parents are there. Shit. He's like, I can't do it. And of course, there's no music playing now either. I'm like, where do I put my face? I'm like, oh where'd you put your face? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, hang on, what were you hoping to get out of the night? I was just stubborn. I'm stood there going, if I can help her on here, this gonna happen before, you know. Right, okay. Um and I'm like, do I take the mic off room? Because of my mic, you know. No, you just let me watch it unfold. So that's involved. Well that's what I was doing, so as well. Because you'll be the enemy then. And then he turned around to his mate and he went, Is she any good? What and he was so calm. This flight was funny for me, because this guy's so calm, like he was expecting the answer. Oh, do you think it was actually a bit of an a new and it was a bit of a public outing of I know you've been shagging me, mate. But he's paid a lot of money to do it. He's paid a venue, he's paid me. If you're gonna out someone out on fucking big. Yeah, so um he just said to his mate, like, he says, uh, was she any good? And his mate said, Rather went, no. So you could have turned around and said, What do you know she's not really, mate? He went, no, not really. It was I was just old. And I apologised. He went, okay, we're always brothers. And he forgive us mate. And fucked her off. Looked at her and said, So is it still a no then? And she went, yeah, it's still a no. He looked at me on the mic and he went, Well, I fucking paid for the venue. Let's have a party, because I'm free. Give me the mic, and off he went. Where where is this? Is this in is this in Scouse land, is it? I'm not going to say where No, no, no. I'm not talking address as in fucking what three words. Right? No, it it was city. It no, it was outside of a city. Oh? Yeah, it was outside of Liverpool. Oh it was quite a small community area. Not a not an a gated community. Like a village. Community. Like the village. Well, yeah. The village. So yeah, it was it was uh it was a really good night. Religion, like a a religious type community you're talking about here.

16:35Yeah, just one.

16:36As in weird views, they all have the same views and yeah, pretty much, yeah. Oh uh, you know what I mean. Um but yeah, it was uh it was a good night in the end. We had a great night. He he had a ball. Did she go?

16:47Oh yeah, she did.

16:48Was she crying or was she back? I mean she disappeared, her parents actually stayed. So apologetic to him. He was absolutely smashed at the end of it because everyone could keep buying them drinks and stuff. Him and his mate just walked off together in the end, and I just turned around at the end of the night and said, um, basically, if anyone else means a DJ then he's done. If you've had a good night, my name, my name's you know, Paul. Have you had a jet night? I'm Steve. You know what I mean? So that was what that was what that was one that was a private party that turned into a bit of what I thought was gonna be a disaster. You know what I mean? You got another, you must have another. Oh, just so many. Uh I I went into a pub in Manchester, and it was uh one of these pubs in Salford in Manchester. A little bit rough, let's put it that way. So much so it was at over 25s bar after six o'clock. Oh right, because they expected scrapping to happen and shit. 100% right happens all the time. So I've walked in there, cheeky little scouts, and they wanted me settled by half six for karaoke night. So I've walked in there about half five o'clock thinking, what's it kin to you? Seeing this over 25 seeing what's going on. I've opened my mouth, the whole place has gone quiet. What, because for your scout accent in a mank area. Yeah. I'm like, oh no, this is not the I didn't go well. Well, you weren't wearing like a fucking Liverpool shirt or Everton shirt or something, were you? No, no, I would never do that. So it set up any corner as you do, and the amount of eyes that were on me just staring at. This is eyes watching you away you go all my days, what's going on here? Right. Am I even safe here? I'm on my own, you know, I had no roadie with me or anything like that. And this is just setting up, you've not started the set yet. So sets up, do does the old um sound check and all that as you do. Um when you're doing a bit of karaoke, you throw a song out there, you know. As in you, you you you do a bit of a just to do the sound check. What did what did you sing? I sang Neil Diamond, right? Forever in blue jeans. Diamond Allen. I know I've Neil Diamond. You would have known the song you would know the song. You're not gonna sing the song. No, no, no. So I went with that because it's just a nice little sound thing. Okay. This old fella, uh swear down 80 years old. He turned around and he looked at me and he went, That shit is your scouse in his mancunian accent. That's shit because your scouts because your scouse. And I'm like, great start to the night this. Oh, just a sound checkmate, but everyone's got an opinion, haven't he? So I'm thinking, okay, this is gonna go right. So put some music on it. That wasn't just to be clear, that wasn't the owner, was it? No, right, just a small one. Just some old dude in the corner. Some old absolutely smashed. Alright. So I thought, what do I do here? How do we get around this? So it starts off, puts a bit of music on. First announcement on the mic, so to speak, uh saying, you know, karaoke's open if you want to sing, but blah de blah. That's it. First thing I said, evening everyone, don't be alarmed. I am scous, just in case you don't understand what's coming out of my mouth. Um but we do have karaoke on this guy shouts up and he goes, karaoke!

20:39He was the scousest person in the middle of the pub, right? Turned out. He was the boss, and he was a scout. Clake night at the end, but I'm honestly my ass was like this. Honestly, guys, and he was a scout lad in the old place, but he said, You can't over to you be like, I said, Why didn't you come and tell me? You were you were from like the whole town, so to speak. He went, because it was funny watching you swear to art, yeah. That was exactly what I was thinking, you know. I mean it's like oh madness. But I take it everybody warmed to you in the end, then, or was it great night? Oh, right. I got invited by back there quite. Well, by the old guy, was he then? Yeah, yeah, he was up, he was up dancing, he was he was sing that song again. He was uh you know what I mean, he was he was smashed out, you know what I mean. Uh he was up dancing with the girls and everything. Oh yeah, he was it was a good night in the end, you know what I mean. And I went to went to another one in in Manchester. And you know they have these um praids like for Procedents and Catholics and stuff like that. No, didn't you look after the walking people walking around with the braids, the orange band and all that? You must have seen that before. What era? Not like now, even today. They'll still do it. Religious related parades. Yeah. No. Yeah, they still do it there every now and then, especially in Ireland and stuff in Scotland. Do they? Yeah, yeah. So you've got like rangers and stuff. Never come across. I mean rivalry and stuff like that. So I was doing this pub anyway, right in um in Manchester. And me being me, I get confused which is which. What what do you mean you would get confused which is which? I don't know whether like they're Protestant. Protestant. But it's a Protestant or Catholic, which is what I was with that particular day. Well they don't wear badges or anything. No, I know, but this this uh pulp was known for being whichever whichever way. Right. Okay. But I forget. But did that what what difference does that make though? Did you have to avoid certain words or something? Certain songs. Songs? Yeah. There's certain songs that offend either Protestants or Catholics. Absolutely. Fuck off.

23:01Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

23:02Really?

23:03Yeah. So I'm thinking oh, everyone's loving the Irish music, got a bit of Irish music on there. So I throw on feelings of laugh and right. What's what's that? It's a song. Irish song. But it must be one or the other. It must be the opposite of what that.

23:18Yeah.

23:18Oh my god. I I nearly got stabbed. They were they were keeping climbing over chairs after me. Really? Yeah. With an outdoor? No. It's only a small pub Sunday night pub. It doesn't matter, it's a dormant. And in and out doing the the old um lines and stuff, you know what I mean? And I'm like, and this this guy was he was so high rate because I'd played half a like 15 seconds of this song because I I quickly realised that it wasn't the right song for play. You'd pick the wrong side. Then this woman came over to me. Nice. And she said to me, She says, You've really fucked up that I'm like, I do apologize. Did you get paid? The owner wasn't bothered. He was like, Yeah, he's taking his money any, he'll pay me whenever. And she's like, Yeah, you she came over to me quite aggressively. And I'm like, I do apologize. She said, It's not me you need to apologize to. It's all these.

24:20So fine, okay, no problem.

24:21Well, where was this pup? In Salford. So I said to her, so what song is gonna put me back? In the good books. In the good books. You would never name the song. You might even not even. Right, hang on, hang on. You would never name the song. Barbara Botship? No. You'd never name the song. A U2 song? No. It was a Roy Orbison song, I think. What? We drove all night. To get to you now. Pr Pretty Woman? They're the only two are now. I think it was Roy Orbison.

24:58Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

25:00It was Penny Arcade. What's I don't know? I'm like, don't you even have that? So I'm quickly searching on the laptop, giving the goals, giving the fingers steam and everything. Anyway, I found it. So bang down. Oh my god. The pub went off me. As in calm, everyone loved it. They were up, they were on the dance floor, they were. What's the relevance of that song though? No idea. They were on the bar. Stood on the bar, giving it loads of this. And I'm like, what's just happened to you? One minute I'm dead. And then the next minute I'm being carried out like a kid. You know me.

25:41And I'm like.

25:42She said, I've saved you there. I said, I'm thank you very much. She said, you only a drink. Fine, have it. Have a drink. Have it. Have it because I'm next, I'm playing. Honestly, I was I I just genuinely didn't know what had happened. After that though, I worked that pub 30 times every Sunday night. About 30 weeks. They love me. I see, I didn't know there was all that sort of weird sort of like rivalry shit that went on. I mean, you hear about you know people walking into village pubs and it's like go silent, yeah, you're not one of us type things. It was like a uniist bar or something. I don't know. I genuinely don't still don't know to this day. But I all I knew is if I play Penny Arcade, they were loving me. So I played Penny Arcade. Okay. I've not even heard it. I'll have to listen to after that. So why why why the change? I don't want to be a 50-year-old DJ, anyway. And then I had other issues going on. Um sort of not a good environment for. Right, I get ya, I get ya. Um could I do it now? 100%. Do I want to? Sometimes. I do miss it. It'd be a good crack, I reckon. It is a good uh bit of banter. I mean it's not too different than being being like an MC at like business events and stuff. But the problem is with DJing now is anyone can do it. When I first started doing it. It was a skill. Yeah. Yeah, I suppose. But now Yeah, you can probably ask AI. I've got a three-hour set. Yeah, you don't even need AI though because the the DJ software will also mix for you. Well, there you go, see. Dorman. Can't fucking get an AI doorman, can you? Although, although. You know Google have got like a massive robotic arm and and Boston is it Boston Dynamics? Have you seen the latest you've seen latest robots that can fight? No, but I've seen the ones that done the the running and ran faster than you say, Bolt. Yeah. Yeah, that's the funniest thing you will see for a while. As in they can't stop, yeah, and they just run into the run into the fucking wall. Yeah. Well no, you you think that's funny? Watch the fighting ones because they're doing all of this fucking Bruce Lee shit and then doing roundhouses and then just fucking falling over. It's that's funny as fuck. But no, when when Google's um is it called Mad Dog when that first came out, yeah. That scares the fuck out of me. I don't like them. No, no. I'm alright with the with the human-looking ones, or ones that just look like big blocks with guns on them and shit, but the ones that look like dogs, that's scary. Having something like that running after you, there's one that can run twice the speed of a panther. I mean, that's that's quicker than fucking Brave Star, that isn't it? So so this is the thing speed of a puma, puma, puma. So brave star was out in the early 90s, yeah, and that was a robotic horse as well, didn't that? So futuristic was Brave Star. You're not you're not you're not letting you have that Brave Staristic, but yeah, the thought of being chased by a a an animal robot. I don't like that. I don't like that.

29:08Feels like scary, you know what I mean?

29:11It's like also quite funny when when you move away from it. Sometimes I think the come down from fear is sometimes the thing that makes it funny. Yeah. Because it's like you it's almost like fucking well, that was a close. I've had I've had our twitchy moments, many of them in the car, you know, where you've you've literally just fucking missed something, and then after it's you think fuck that one's close, nearly fucking died. I think my sh they're quite funny. I think my scariest thing in the car. I was on the uh M62 coming down the motorway. Yeah, little Matisse, it was little Dehu Matisse. Huh? Yeah, Dehu. Yeah, and all that you can make them anymore. I don't think. Anyway, I'm coming down the motorway, driving down, kids in the back, wife's at the side of me, the chair collapsed backwards. Your the driver's your your chair.

30:00Yeah.

30:00So I'm literally sat in the back on my lad's lap, driving shit 20 miles an hour, right? I've got the wife saying to me, What are you doing? Like it was intentional. I'm like, should I lie out love? Like if I'd fall to leave it or something, you know what I mean? I've got my lad in the back going, like they're flucking around, like my dad on my lad. The other lad sat there going, What's going on here? She's like, What are you doing? Having them right moor at me. So I actually caught the seat back up and it went back into place so it hadn't broken. We've got a latching, it's it's just gone. So I'm going there, like obviously my face is whiter than it is now, as well. And I'm just so I'm just carried on driving as you do. Looks across to the life. See you streaming down her face with laughter. Well, she thought it was funny. Oh, afterwards, yeah. So you know when you're saying about the fear and as in fear fear funniness thing. Yeah. So she thought it was funny then. Absolutely um what's the word? Delirious. Is that the word? Yeah. Delirious. I don't know, it's your story, mate. Is that even the word what I mean? Delirious. Yeah, it means it's funny, uncontrollable. Yeah, uncontrollable as in. So that's what she was. And then like, I just nearly died. Well no, not just you. Oh, Carl would have gone. You're saying it was my fault at first, and now for you, it's after the will.

31:40I'm like, Unbelievable.

31:42Even bluff for you, mate. I know even now it comes up every now and then. Oh, does it? Yeah, the lads will be like, yeah, the conversation comes up every now and then. Even my lads are like, no, I remember when you fellas were off of the gap. You you probably could have gone back to the manufacturer of the car company and and said Wonderful. Well, you know what I mean? But I I I mean you hear rap car vehicle recalls.

32:09Because they wouldn't have been light anyone. Do you know what I'm saying? That's all I'm saying on that issue, but yeah. Right, right.

32:19Shortest job you've ever had. And I bet, right, I bet you, you stinky coins, right? Yeah. That I can beat you. I don't think you can. Oh, I can. Okay. You have to have started it. Yes. You can't just have accepted it and not turned up. That's that's obviously that's impossible to compete against. Okay. Has to be something you've you've actually turned up for and lasted a certain amount of time.

32:50Okay.

32:50The shortest one wins.

32:51Okay.

32:52Go. Five minutes. Okay, you win. Twa. I don't even want to hear it now. Go on, what was it? What was it? So I got this job when I first moved down to the area I'm living now. Uh-huh. My wife dropped me off. Went the job. And I walked in, and the guy turned round and said to me, You didn't tell me your wife was Asian. I went, right, it's our problem. Yeah. You haven't got a job. What? So I had to get a taxi off. Well, she'd already gone.

33:27She left.

33:28She got to work. I'm a considerer. So I didn't say anything, I just got all those. She went. I was ready to fill them in, but anyway, I got home. I had to make on toast as you do, you know what I mean? Get a message off the wife. How's the job going? I said, Oh, it's great. I'm at home now. Yeah. Shit. Okay, yeah, you win. You win. I thought it was gonna win. I could speak to probably 98% of the population and win that. So I did it technically start the job? I probably didn't. Actually, no, you probably didn't. You probably didn't. So what's your second shortest job then? You've actually started your shift. I would say

34:16eight hours. What was that job?

34:25Go on. Did did it involve blow-up dolls? No, it didn't. No, okay. It didn't. Never just want a sex toy or anything like that? No, I got a job behind a bar. Okay. And you did one shift. I didn't finish the shift. What did you do? I didn't like it. Oh, okay. Alright, okay, fair enough. So it wasn't you made some big fucking mistake. I was better on the other side of the bar with D uh DJ. Right, got you. Yeah. No, I didn't get sacked that well. Oh. How about you? Three and a half hours.

34:59Oh, really? Okay.

35:00So yeah, I'd I'd um I'd started this new job as like the new IT manager and got there and it was an absolute clusterfuck. Um and it was literally a little sort of like table and chair sat in a freezing cold server room that was air conditioned and everything because it had got all of this equipment, and they expected me to spend sort of like eight hours in this fucking freezing cold room that was in in what can only be described as like a little electrical substation type thing. So not mixing with anybody, it was loan working, screens everywhere, freezing fucking cold, arse end of nowhere, no nowhere to fucking get lunch or anything like that, and it's like fuck off. So got to got to lunch time and they just fucking went. Didn't even fucking say anything, they just fucking went.

35:51Oh, alright, okay.

35:52But yeah, I've had I've had loads of short short-term jobs though. I mean that that was probably the worst. I mean, I did TV license enforcement officer for I think five days. So how does that work? How does what work? TV enforcement license. You knock on people's doors to see a license. Yeah, you'd you'd you'd get a list. You'd get a list of people. I mean, this was God, when was this? Early early 2000s. Right, okay. Right. So it's fair, fair amount of time ago. It's when um and and it had been farmed out. The TV licensing had farmed it out to a massive company called Capita. And so you'd get these, you'd get these printouts, you'd get this paperwork of all of these addresses in your local area, yeah. Where they're who were unlicensed, and you'd you'd basically turn up, you'd knock, and as you can imagine, you you're not getting a fucking fantastic response. Um, and then you would um basically say, Yeah, from TV licence enforcement, you've you've not got a license. Um you'd caution them, caution them under pace on the fucking doorstep, take a little mini statement as to why they haven't, and then try and get them onto a monthly payment plan.

37:02Right?

37:03It was horrible.

37:04Yeah, exactly.

37:05It's horrible, horrible, horrible job. Really good earner, but a horrible job. Yeah, so it lasted about five days. I told Hoovers. Which which which ones? Or can you say? It was called well, yeah, because probably don't even make them well. It's called filter qui.

37:23That's what it was called. Majestic filter qui. Awful. Don't get it wrong, I enjoyed the job. Were you one of these people that had to turn up and like do a demonstration? You tip some soil on the carpet and then fucking hope it moved it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one of the it was like that, but how long did you last for that? Um about a month, I think. That's that's that's a good innings that I didn't mind the job, but it was alright. It was just you were in there you're never gonna end any worrying about it, though. What? So expensive no one wanted it. Alright, well they're like three, four hundred quid. Was it like an industrial type? More than that. Yeah, it was like a grand. So it's like an industrial type thing that you were trying to sell to home home users. No, it was a home

38:08vacuum. Who would spend a thousand pounds on a hoover for home? Some people do, you know what I mean, especially if you want to support the source window. You would say you sold one. Oh you bastard. You sold two. Yeah, it was it was just so you sold them a hoover and then said, right, come cut me grass. Yeah. It was um when you're going into someone's house to do a demo on this thing. It's awkward now. It is because half of the time they didn't even know what you were demonstrate. What? Yeah, because they you know they kept on the phone and they booked a couple of things. They get talked into something. Yeah, get talked into something. You turn up and you've been banging moving and that see, I wouldn't have yeah, I wouldn't have that. Yeah, okay. No, I don't fancy that. People that I worked with agree, they were really good people that I worked with. You're not being sarcastic, no, no, no, no. It was but everyone had the same sort of feeling in the end, you know. Just sounds weird. Yeah, sounds really weird. Was it like a multi-level marketing type thing where you had yeah, pretty much, yeah. Right. So the more people you could try and get to sell underneath you, the more you Right, okay, right. What's your thoughts on the new iPhone duo? Have you seen it? I have, I have see, I I I had I had a discussion with with Zach, son, early twenties, and he just doesn't get it. He said it's shit, doesn't like it, doesn't make sense. Whereas I'm like, how can it not make sense? Right. So I've got mixed feelings on it as well. Go on. I think it's pricey for what it is anyway. It's a lot there's a lot dearer. It's not a lot dearer. It is. Um I think it's gonna kill mini iPad. Yeah. And I think that's why for the right reason. I think that's why they've put it out there. And I don't think it's going to be as good as you stand it for. My life is gonna end if I do not get my hands on one.